MTV's Redic Payroll

Let me just start out by saying I never got “The Hills,” I still don’t get the hills. I like trashy reality TV as much as the next red-blooded American. But the hills just doesn’t do it for me. Recently the Hill’s cast salary has been plastered all over the internet. Kristin Calvalari is the same age as me, I have two real jobs yet and she has one fake one (actually I’m not sure Kristin is obligated to have a fake job) but needless to say she makes 90 grand a year. That’s not fair. We learn as youngsters that life isn’t fair. Flash back to second grade playing the game of LIFE you spin the wheel get a career, every so often land on a payday, climb mount Everest, win an art contest you know the drill. Even as a second grader you know that, that’s not how life actually works, well news flash that’s exactly how MTV payroll works.

Just think about it Lauren Conrad just graduated Laguna High she spun the wheel. A fashion designer Lauren Conrad will be. No keep spinning to collect your payday! It’s that easy. That’s got be the way it is for most of these reality TV stars. Do literally nothing and collect a payday. E! has taken this concept one-step further. Khloe Kardashian just added a little blue peg to her already blue peg(you know Khloe has got to be a blue peg) in her little plastic car. She’s def collecting on that. You can’t pass the church without getting married in the game of LIFE or you will be missing out on some major moneys. Just look at that other Kardashian bitch you know she can’t just wait to fill up her car with little pegs, 2,000 a kid. She best land on adopt twins. I wonder if Kim’s plastic peg needs two holes for her ass? All I wanna know is how do I get in on this game?

The Flunker Bill

Many of us have acquired a large sum of college loans over the past year or two. I think something should personally be done about this. Especially if we didn't get our money's worth. I for one propose a Bill that if we have unsatisfactory knowledge after college than the college that we went to should pay for some of our loans. This bill is appropriately named THE FLUNKER BILL. Here are 10 conditions which might qualify you for THE FLUNKER BILL:

1) The cost of your post-college rehab stint cost as much as your first semester.
2) Before college you worked in the mall and after college your still working in that mall
3) You are smarter than only half of the Gosselins, and two of them are John and Kate
4) When someone asks you if you get your news from fox or cnn, you respond E!
5) You consider The Hangover a really artsy well done film
6) Your career aspirations post-college are still to be an American Idol judge.....hey you might just get your chance.
7) Ordering Chinese food is a wordily task
8) You were decided to watch jeopardy, found it too challenging and changed the channel, only to find out later that it was kids Jeopardy
9)It took you more then 20 minutes to figure out how many Kardashians there are
10) You think Kuwait is the capital of Iraq

all of these or just one might qualify you for the flunker bill

10 Signs Your Secretly a Tween

Everyboddyyyy yeahhh rockk your bodddyyy....ok well the first sign would be you would have no clue what I am talking about, but then you wouldn't secretly be a tween. You might swear that there will never be another BSB or Nsync, (you might even go as far back as NKOTB) but lets face it you secretly find yourself teen boppin along with the tweens. So they might never know what it was like to stand outside TRL with a huge sign declaring your devotion, they still have some tempting traits right? For those people who think tweens are the anti-Christ, you might just want to check out for these signs, if you don't who knows? You might find yourself outside of Robert Pattinson's trailer digging though his garbage in hopes you find his body glitter.

1) JoBros, KStew, RPats, Zefron you know all the abbreviations (You even know the Tis for extra credit)
2) When you are facing adversity you secretly whisper "The Climb" lyrics
3)You know at least one of the Jonas Brothers has to be gay but you refuse to admitt it
4) Your cell phone is better than most people twice your age
5) You know who Demi Lovato is
6) You only know how to express emotions using facebook status and twitter
7) Taylor Swift is edgy and gets you
8) When your hung over for some reason you can watch hours of the disney channel at a time (Hey it's quality programming and limited commercials)
9) When you fall through on plans your excuse is, "I'm just being Miley."
10) Forget about Cats, Wicked, Phantom, and Les Mis; your favorite musicals are High School Musical 1, High School Musical 2, and High School Musical 3: Senior Year

MTV's The Real World: A Brief History

This is the 50 percent true story. Of 7-8 idiots, picked to live on a tv set, have a fake hill's job together and have their lives taped. You already know whats gonna happen when people stop being sober and start getting TRASHED. The Real World: A brief history.

I have two things to admit before I start writing. The first is I have not yet seen an episode of the real world Cancun, the 2nd is thru the the past few years I have became much less of a fan. One of the reasons is when I was little I used to think the people on the show were cool, now that I am as old as them, actually I'm older than most of them, I think they are losers. ::sigh:: i also never realized my dream of going on the real world. Anyway this is a brief history of the real world......

Anyway it all started in 1992 with the real world New York. Honestly, I know some might argue that this was very groundbreaking and brought up a lot of social issues of the time. I think this season was boring as hell. Then comes the Real World LA basically a guy was kicked out he was replaced by some bro then some chick got an abortion all the while Jon Brennen played his guitar and wore his cow boy hat. We were also introduced to a lovely lady named Beth who will haunt our tv for decades to come. Next came real world San Fran. I can't really say anything about this season for fear of getting in trouble, oh and puck put his finger in the peanut butter jar. This was then followed by London a season that I can barely remember anything about, I think some guy got half his tongue bitten off?

After Real World London, I feel a new era begins in Real World history. We shall refer to the first 4 seasons as the pre-job generation. Next came my favorite era: (to be announced at the end of this paragraph). Unfortunately Job focused episodes SUCK! But these seasons over came that and just plain old rocked! First came the Real World Miami. AWESOME AWESOME season. The cast was overall entertaining the whole time. They were so dysfunctional they couldn't even start a business with MTV's money. Lets see there was a very riskay shower scene and an awesome fight over an envelope. "Does this envelope say Melissa open me up?" Oh Dan. Next came the real world Boston, they lived in a fire house! This is also when it became customary for people on the real world to have really strange names, i guess they were running out of names and wanted to eliminate confusion for the challenges. The Montana, Genesis and Cyrus of this season would lead to the Chet and Dunbar we have now. Anyway Boston they had to work with kids. GREAT IDEA! This actually makes me feel bad for the children of Boston. Then montana got fired for giving a kid alcohol, but come on MTV what did u expect? After this c0mes one of my favorite seasons Seattle. It was pretty mellow, they worked at a radio station, David and Nathan were bros, and then something awesome happened. Stephen bitch slapped Irene and then threw her stuffed animal into the water. It went a little something like this
Irene: Stephen you know a marriage between me and you would never work out?
Stephen: Whys that?
Irene: Cause your a homosexual stephen.
Stephen: ::grabs crotch: well ur a bitch
:::Stephen runs back into the house and grabs a stuffed animal:::
Nathan: Stephen let it go
Stephen dramatically throws the poor stuffed animal in the water and smacks irene ::end scene::
awesome
Next came my favorite season ever Real World Hawaii. Lets face it within the first episode people were naked, and someone had alcohol poisoning. That someone was Ruthie the first real world problem drinker. Eat your heart out JOEY. They got to go to India they worked at a surf shop and had to put on lame shows. There was Colin and Amaya, and Teck money. Great great season. After that came New Orleans not quite Hawaii but still awesome. They had a lot of race and religion focused episodes which was boring. Melissa freaked out a lot, Julie was a Mormon. And David sang shoo-daba-dee-dabooda to the bank on their public access show. After that we went back to NY. There were some good fights, it was decent, we then first heard of the miz and coral who would do many challenges. Then came chicago once again not that great of a season Tonya had kidney stones and people hooked up with rock stars. And that was the end of an era.
This era was called the Pre-Las Vegas generation.

and I didn't realize this history was going to be not so brief so I'm changing the name to The Real World Saga. Thanks Stephanie Meyer. This concludes the Real World Saga part 1.

10 reasons not to read Twilight/ Open Letter to Stephanie Meyer

First off I just want everyone to know that unfortunately I am qualified to make these statements because I have read the WHOLE Twilight saga. What exactly is a saga anyway? Is a saga a collection of books that makes my eyes want to detach from my brain so I wont have to read anymore? I feel like a saga is quite an assumption to entitle your books. Like there is no Lord of The Rings saga, or Harry Potter saga. Like way to make yourself sound awesome by labeling yourself a saga. From now on any high school student should label their last essay at the completion of a school year the ending of a saga. After Twilight everyone has the right to entitle their complete body of works a saga. UGH but anyway to the point 10 reasons not to read twilight.....(may contain spoilers) (but you suck if you care)

1) Anything that involves the heroes of the "saga" glittering in the sunlight is gay! Since when is it cool to sparkle in the sunlight.

2) "Tweens" are getting the wrong idea about love. Piggyback rides through the Forrest aren't sexy. As a matter of fact that could be possibly dangerous.

3) Parents are happy that their pre-teens are reading? Ummm I read a lot personally. And just cause your kid reads twilight doesn't necessarily mean that they are in the long haul to read literature classics. No I'm pretty sure the fact that your kids are reading Twilight makes them destined to read cheap romance novels for the rest of their lives. You know the ones with Fabio on the cover. Danielle Steel (name drop) must be real happy.

4) Apparently vampire's have powers. The main female vampire in the novel's power is that she can produce a shield. I'm sorry I'm not a feminist or anything but isn't that a little sexist? How come females always get the worst powers? Like the invisible girl sucked and that's basically the same thing. Oh Jessica Alba (name drop) played her eventually that's redeeming...oh wait.

5) Liking mythical creatures is not cool! I'm pretty sure there used to be something called dungeons and dragons and trust me those kids weren't cool!

6) Does anyone realize that vampire's don't eat regular food and stay up all night and they are becoming role models? I'm pretty sure Lindsey Lohan does the same thing and I do not think she is in any way shape or form a role model.

7) There is no such person as Edward Cullen he is played by an actor named Robert Pattinson. Stop screaming. ( I chose not to name drop, LEAVE HIM ALONE!)

8) I thought that girl from thirteen (name drop) was Hispanic, how the hell is she playing a vampire in the twilight movies.

9) There are Twilight movies.

10) Just face it, there will never be another Harry Potter. I wish Stephanie Meyer's first name was JK so at least I could take twilight as one big Joke. Damn you Stephanie Meyer!

Michael Jackson as I recall...

I was born in a transitional time, the year was 1987 nothing of great importance happened (according to myself). Unless you count the creation of the greatest family television series ever mind staring John Stamos and the Olsen Twins....yes Full House (name drop) was created in 1987. But basically for me there is 1986 when the Mets (name drop) won the World Series. Great Year. Then there is 1990 when the Berlin Wall was torn down. So the years in between... what the hell happened then? Well I'm sure there are a lot of things that I am too ignorant or forgetful to remember. Notice I remembered the creation of full house of all things. That might clue you into what a horrible person I am.

Anyway, to get to the point of this post, I was only alive for a small portion of Michael Jackson's career. So basically I only saw the second half. And like most things, shit starts to get crazy in the 2nd half. If you think back to VHS tapes the 2nd tape always held quite the dramatics. The titanic sank, and the Von Trapps (name drop) had to hide from Nazis in a grave yard all coming down to a confrontation between Cap'n Von Trapp and Rolph. Michael Jackson's career was a lot like that. Happy and upbeat very quality at the begining, then dramatic, scandalous and all around tragic at the end. So here is Michael Jackson as someone in their early 20's recalls him.

well at least this is my fragmented memory. you don't have to relate, maybe just identify?

-You are very young you hear Jackson 5 songs and songs off the thriller album all the time but you can't place the face

-While you are also very young a white man is on the television ripping open his shirt, he is odd looking

-You are told this is Michael Jackson the same guy from thriller and the little boy from the Jackson 5. You are very confused.

-Free Willy opens and suddenly Michael jackson will always have a place in your heart because of Will You Be There. Go Willy!!!!! (name drop)

-Followed closely by "And they thought it wouldn't last."

-While this is going on there is also something about child molestation that you just quite don't understand

-Then comes a memory of a music video of Michael and Janet flying around in a space ship, it was kind of disturbing.

-A few years later you come into your musical own and discover all types of michael jackson songs

-You catch The Jackson 5 movie (name drop) rerunning on Vh1 one night and somehow you are able to watch the whole thing. Its like 6 hours long, good for you. After this you are a certifiable Jackson expert.

-A few years later Michael comes back, but he doesn't and you dont like any of his new songs.

-Then comes the documentary Living With Michael Jackson (name drop) By now you have seen this 399393938 times probably at least 4 times in the last week. In it you discover Michael Jackson just might be a child molester, but man he is so nice to his fans. You also discover Michael's logic is way out there. "Why would I be trying to throw my son off the balcony if i had a veil over his head to protect him? people are ignoarant." Ok Michael

-Then came the new trial. What the hell was with that crazy lady releasing doves?

-You eventually transfer all your favorite MJ songs to your awesome new Ipod

-Michael jackson's going on tour!

-Michael Jackson dies.

-Scramble to remember all your michael jackson memories. Replacing all the times you've ever doubted him with never fading loyalty. Hey I never called him Wacko Jacko that would have been ignorant

-You watch the Jackson memorial, you tear, you laugh, you love

And that's Michael Jackson as I recall......

Unemployment/My top career prospects

I graduated from college with a B.A. in communications from an expensive private university a few months ago. Note private and expensive do not equal prestigious. Also note that a few months ago means I graduated in May 2009. Like most communications majors math is not my forte, but I have been able to create a genius equation. This equation is probably as reliable as the quadratic equation (name drop) and basically they should just give me my doctorate in math already. Here it goes:
BA in Communications +May 2009 Graduation Date-Connections=Unemployment

Alright so maybe I’m not the next the John Nash (name drop).

But here is a list of my top 6 career prospects:

1) Sell leftover ADD medication: Hey your not taking any finals anytime soon.
Pros: Easy, Quick Money
Cons: Short term, no opportunities for advancement, lets face it you’re a sketch ball
Qualifications: Some sales experience required, knowledge of pharmaceuticals a plus but not nessesary

2) Competitive Eater: Here is a career your College experience has prepared you for.
Pros: Free meals, opportunities for minor fame and glory
Cons: Somebody break out the Pepto-Bismol. Plus have you seen that Japanese guy( name drop) eat hot dogs you have stiff competition
Qualifications: Heavy marijuana users need only apply

3) Be a contestant on the Vh1 “Of Love” franchise: They require STD tests of all contestants; although that doesn’t guarantee you won’t catch Chlamydia from a B-list celebrity.
Pros: All you can drink, Opportunity for advancement into your own reality spin off, opportunity to learn new skills in Charm School (name drop), and of course dive bar appearances

Cons: Very short term fame, shame you will never live down, disownment from family and friends, did I mention Chlamydia?
Qualifications: Attention whores, giant douche bags, and strippers supporting children from 3 different fathers need only apply.

4) Employed Friend’s Personal Assistant: Instead of bitching about how you don’t have a job become someone’s bitch
Pros: Boss you can stand (for now), possible free housing aka a futon
Cons: Demeaning tasks, the ending of friendships
Qualifications: Laundry skills a must

5) Standing outside Wal-Mart waiting to be picked up in a truck: AKA illegal laborer
Pros: Work always in demand, Lot’s of sun
Cons: Less than minimum wage, possible deportation
Qualifications: Spanish speaking a must

6) Grad School: Alright the real world didn’t work out so time to run back to school with your tail between your legs
Pros: Parents healthcare plan, every privilege that goes along with being a student including irresponsible partying and being apathetic
Cons: Massive amounts of increased debts
Qualifications: Unemployment