Unemployment/My top career prospects

I graduated from college with a B.A. in communications from an expensive private university a few months ago. Note private and expensive do not equal prestigious. Also note that a few months ago means I graduated in May 2009. Like most communications majors math is not my forte, but I have been able to create a genius equation. This equation is probably as reliable as the quadratic equation (name drop) and basically they should just give me my doctorate in math already. Here it goes:
BA in Communications +May 2009 Graduation Date-Connections=Unemployment

Alright so maybe I’m not the next the John Nash (name drop).

But here is a list of my top 6 career prospects:

1) Sell leftover ADD medication: Hey your not taking any finals anytime soon.
Pros: Easy, Quick Money
Cons: Short term, no opportunities for advancement, lets face it you’re a sketch ball
Qualifications: Some sales experience required, knowledge of pharmaceuticals a plus but not nessesary

2) Competitive Eater: Here is a career your College experience has prepared you for.
Pros: Free meals, opportunities for minor fame and glory
Cons: Somebody break out the Pepto-Bismol. Plus have you seen that Japanese guy( name drop) eat hot dogs you have stiff competition
Qualifications: Heavy marijuana users need only apply

3) Be a contestant on the Vh1 “Of Love” franchise: They require STD tests of all contestants; although that doesn’t guarantee you won’t catch Chlamydia from a B-list celebrity.
Pros: All you can drink, Opportunity for advancement into your own reality spin off, opportunity to learn new skills in Charm School (name drop), and of course dive bar appearances

Cons: Very short term fame, shame you will never live down, disownment from family and friends, did I mention Chlamydia?
Qualifications: Attention whores, giant douche bags, and strippers supporting children from 3 different fathers need only apply.

4) Employed Friend’s Personal Assistant: Instead of bitching about how you don’t have a job become someone’s bitch
Pros: Boss you can stand (for now), possible free housing aka a futon
Cons: Demeaning tasks, the ending of friendships
Qualifications: Laundry skills a must

5) Standing outside Wal-Mart waiting to be picked up in a truck: AKA illegal laborer
Pros: Work always in demand, Lot’s of sun
Cons: Less than minimum wage, possible deportation
Qualifications: Spanish speaking a must

6) Grad School: Alright the real world didn’t work out so time to run back to school with your tail between your legs
Pros: Parents healthcare plan, every privilege that goes along with being a student including irresponsible partying and being apathetic
Cons: Massive amounts of increased debts
Qualifications: Unemployment